Twilight Of The Gods

God always speaks in parables:

"I just want to get the car out of the ditch and not have a big can dragging behind it for years."

"Sometimes you have to make a deal with the Devil to get out of Hell."

"A coalition if necessary, but not necessarily a coalition."

"They think I'm part of a triadic, but their triadic is destined to become a gruesome twosome. . . a random tandem. . . a brace of disgrace."

For almost 40 years God was not in Canada. God was away!
God never heard of Rene Levesque, Jacques Parizeau or Lucien Bouchard. God doesn't know a thing about the ferocious fight between Trudeau and the above mentioned Quebec
Separatists. God thought that "Trudeau" was a place to water horses. God thought that a "Separatist" was a person who worked with eggs in the meringue section of a bakery. God had never heard of Sussix Drive. God was spending most of his time in the Marquee Club near Carnaby Street. God was more interested in birds than chicks. God wasn't residing in Canada. God was away!

God is back! Now God wants to save Canada from economic disaster! God often scolds Prime Minister Harper and tries to give him a lot of economic advice. God is not an economist. . . Prime Minister Harper is. . . so that's a lot like Olivia Chow telling Sid The Kid how to play hockey!

When God looked into all the hopeful Liberal faces and said, "A coalition if necessary, but not necessarily a coalition", he told them all to make sure they repeated it over and over and over on all TV and radio interviews, "Because," he said, "It took me five hours last night for my wife to come up with it!"

When God was contemplating whether or not to climb into bed with the Quebec Separatists, it was Ralph Goodale who said, "Oh God! No!. . . a thousand times no!"
Ralph had always been a Canadian and always lived in Canada. He knows what the voters of the other nine provinces and territories think of the Quebec Separatists! God wasn't around during the tumultuous referendum times. God did join up with the Quebec Separatists! God couldn't see the perils. God was away!

However, God is only an interim God! Within the Liberal ranks a funny thing is happening on the way to May. The so-called grass roots of the party are taking a second look at God and an awful lot of them are becoming atheists! A lot of them are making Good Ale their lager of choice! Goodale hates the Quebec Separatists and was dead-set against sucking up to them! Also, they all know, in The House, when the chips are down, and the temperature is up, nobody. . . nobody says it like Goodale!

God just might be going away again! Bye God!

Dimmy

No fat. No lean

Traitor Jack could eat no fat,
Olivia could eat no lean.
So they teamed up with the Separatists,
To pick Canadian voters clean.

They want to give unlimited power,
To the Separatist leader, Gilles Duceppe.
Who'll be able to say, yea or nay,
In THE HOUSE, where he's most inept.

Then they want to build a pipeline,
From Canada to Quebec.
And there'll be more loonies flowing,
Than smoke, through Rene Levesque.

But Traitor Jack and the Chow-Chow gal
Have forgotten an important lesson,
When the Canadian voter has said what it wants,
TRAITORS! YOU DON'T GO MESSIN'

So pack your suitcase, Traitor Jack,
Oh, and here's a bit of trivia.
If you want to be certain it's all packed right,
Make sure you stuff in Olivia!

Dimmy

Craving Power

Jack and Gilles
on Parliament Hill
Got together for a roll in the hay.
But because they lost the election,
They couldn't get an erection,
"Perhaps", said Jack, "We'll try another day."

Gilles said, "we'se should be hin-tisen'
Hour gay friend Scott Brison,
Ee'll get us pointin' da hopper-tune way!"
So Scott joined the twosome,
And though it was gruesome,
All three had a fabulous lay!

As they cuddled there, smoking,
Scott mused, sort of joking
"We should bring the Prime Minister down."
Jack jumped out of bed,
Accidently kicked Gilles in the head,
And kissed Scot on the spot that is brown.

"We'll do it", Jack screamed.
And Scott Brison beamed,
"We'll have to get help from Dion."
"Stephane hi'll go see,
But Ee as big ate fer me."
Said Gilles, as his thoughts raced beyond.

So a coalition was born
On that October morn
When three pricks got together to screw.
Because Stephane craved power,
It took but an hour,
For Dion to join the motley crew.

Ah, but Canadians all,
Saw the writing on the wall.
They knew the country, the coalition would sell.
So despite the bad weather
Canadians banded together,
and sent every bitchin traitor straight to HELL

I know I look sweet and innocent, but I really, really DO have a nasty side!

 

"Honey! Where the hell are you going with that rope?"

 

Nice to meet you Senator. . . Have you met my twin brother?

 

Get the hell out of my way, Dimmy. . . I gotta go, and I gotta go BAD!

 

In about ten years they'll be asking me, "How come your head is so squished?"

 

Slant Eyed Chretien

About a year ago China threatened to cancel a Stephen Harper visit because he just wouldn't stop mouthing off about the Chinese Canadian who was being held in a Chinese jail falsely accused of spying. The Canadian was not allowed to see a Canadian lawyer or receive any kind of Canadian council; there also was evidence he was being tortured! though the China/Canada meeting was important, Harper still wouldn't let up on the human rights violation and DEMANDED the release of the Canadian! Whether you hate him or love him, you just have to admit that Stephen Harper will stand up to the most powerful countries in the world for the rights of one small human being! China cancelled the meeting, and the CBC swung into action! "My oh my." the CBC said on air a dozen times in one morning. . . "My oh my! It's not much like when our man Jean (Chretien) would take a delegation to China and come home with all kinds of goodies for the Canadian economy". You know, that's really rotten! Under the circumstances, that was a disgusting, slimy thing for our once beloved CBC to say. (On air--over and over) No thought about the poor, little turd who was probably getting his testacles removed! But then, nothing is TOO slimy, or TOO disgusting for the CBC to say if it thinks it will demean or embarrass Stephen Harper.
On August 6th 2008 the CBC is once again trying to be-little our Prime Minister. Broadcasting from China, the CBC was sounding quite perturbed because Harper would not be attending the opening of the Olympics. "My oh my," the CBC said on the national, "My oh my! China is going to be very mad at Canada. . . not much like when our man Jean was on the scene and relations between our two countries was so cozy and warm!"
Well, let's put it this way. . . It wasn't just Canada that had a warm and cozy and PROFITABLE relationship with China! Our Man Jean had a very profitable relationship with China and was even on the payroll of a very large Chinese conglomerate! You can be sure that nobody in the Chretien Camp, or at the CBC, gave a hoot about human rights then.
AND THEY STILL DON'T ! Today, Wednesday, August 20th 2008 the headlines in the CHINESE newspapers all read something like this: "Canada's EX Prime Minister, Jean Chretien, blasts the present Prime Minister, Stephen Harper for not attending the opening ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics!" I guess the Crooked Little Cretin from Shawinigate must be still be on a Chinese payroll!
The Canadian still hasn't been released from the Chinese dungeon and Stephen Harper still hasn't given up fighting for his freedom! During the first week of June, this year, a Canadian envoy delivered a powerful message from the Prime Minister of Canada to the President of the People's Republic of China DEMANDING the release of the Canadian citizen. . . Or else! (We Canadians might never know what the "or else" is. . . but you can bet your ass the Chinese will, and they ain't going to enjoy it!
My oh my! Not much like when the CBC's man Jean was around! THANK GOD AND THE CANADIAN VOTERS FOR THAT!

Dimmy

Aw com'on CBC. . . All I said was I didn't think Harper was such a bad guy. . .

 

A Family of ROT

The CBC just never seems to get tired of trying to discredit our Prime Minister! If it's not drooling over the Cadman affair, it's drooling over the Taliban prisoner affair, or it's drooling over the Bernier affair, or it's drooling over the Nucleur Power Plant afair, or the con man Schreiber affair, or the Chinese Canadian prisoner affair. . . drool, drool drool. Trying so hard to make Stephen Harper look bad. Now, alas, the CBC has another drool forming puss on it's chin. . . The Kid Khadr affair! The big shots in the CBC management are rubbing their blue-knuckled, old fingers together, thinking: "this could be the affair that brings down Harper." Now let's get something straight right here: The CBC doesn't give a fiddler's finger about Omar, The Kid, Khadr. But the CBC will use the Kid Khadr affair in the same way, and for the same reason, it tried using all the affairs mentioned above. . . TO TRY TO DISCREDIT THE CONSERVATIVE GOVERNMENT SO THAT THE LITTLE CITIZEN OF FRANCE, STEPHANE DION, WILL HAVE A BETTER CHANCE OF BECOMING THE PRIME MINISTER OF CANADA (Oh God! Excuse me while I puke!) AND WILL BE ABLE TO SEND THE CBC 60 MILLION DOLLARS OF TAX-PAYER MONEY JUST LIKE JEAN CHRETIEN DID AFTER HIS LAST ELECTION!
Over and over the CBC aired Khadr's lawyers saying things like, "It has been reported that young Khadr was tortured. . . It has been reported that Khadr was the victim of sleep depravation. . . It has been reported that Khadr didn't receive adequate medical attention. . ." Well let me just say right here, It has been reported that Mother Teresa wore pink bikini panties! And it has been reported that Hitler was a blood donor! Com'on sleezbags, You're supposed to be lawyers, for God's sake. You should know that being reported doesn't make it true. Let's get some names or proof or some kind of substantiation to those reported accusations of your's!
I really feel insulted when I hear Elizabeth The May-flower say, "Let's bring the poor kid back home to Canada." The poor kid was in Canada but he left and went to Pakistan and started flinging Al-qaeda grenades at American soldiers! The American medic was going to become a civilian doctor but instead he was blown to smithereens by a putrid 16 year old terrorist! (15 years, 10 months) I'm sure his mother and sister danced with glee when they heard that their little Omar had killed an American, the same way they danced with glee when the twin towers fell!
Hey! Elizabeth The May-flower! Lets bring the poor kid home so that the welfare cheque to the wonderful Khadr family will be increased!
Another TV network did an e-mail survey to find out how Canadians feel about Kid Khadr. The overwhelming majority of Canadians basically said, "Let the little terrorist rot in Guantanamo!" I'll drink to that!
Of course, the CBC will no doubt come out with it's own survey which will have 89% (or some such BS) of Canadians tearfully wanting to welcome back Khadr! The CBC lives by only one doctrine. . . The end ( get Harper ) justifies the means! ( Lie, cheat and hoodwink Canadians.)

Dimmy

 

Winter, Spring, Fall or Summer. . . . . . sometimes life is just a bummer!

 

Ya know. . . anybody who has never smoked has missed one of the finer pleasures of life!

 

You think this is bad? Last week I had to do the motorhome!

 

Twins

Last night I dreamed I was Angelina Jolie's babies. I was both of them. I was the oldest, by one minute and I was the youngest by, of course, one minute. I was the only one who could tell us apart, unless you got right down to the nitty gritty! I was the boy. . . I was also the girl. Babies are almost always hungry and I soon found out that my Mama Jolie's mammary glands are different. I don't mean they're different from, say, Julia Roberts, no, my Mama's boobs are different from each other! For instance, you can suck on the left one all night and still starve to death! I realize, of course, that doesn't sound like a very chorefull way to spend an evening, ("Chorefull"? Must be a dreaming word!) But I swear it really was totally empty. The right one, however is completely opposite. I'm not speaking geographically. . . I'm talking functionally. Like, as soon as the nipple of the right one touches your lips--CHOING, your belly's full. So with a full belly I decided to do a little more exploration because there was something I just had to find out about my Mama Jolie. . . I headed straight for her mouth. I pushed the other Me away and told her to go find another place to explore. I only weighed five pounds so my hand is very, very tiny. I put my very, very tiny hand on my Mama's enormous bottom lip. Her top lip was even more enormous! If they ever came together my tiny hand would surely be squashed! I felt around, searching for needle marks, but to no avail. Maybe Botox is administered from inside the mouth. I took a chance and pushed my hand deeper inside those voluptuous red mounds. My fingers were too short and I found no needle holes. Just then Dad Brad came into view and he was carrying a piano. He pressed a key, it was A-flat. I must have played this game before because I knew exactly what I had to do. I pressed my finger on my Mama's head a few times and eventually found the place that made the A-flat sound. Dad Brad looked extremely proud and pleased. He pressed another key and B-sharp sounded. After only two attempts I found the B-sharp spot on Mama's head. I was searching for the High-C spot on Mama's head when suddenly. . .
"What in God's name are you doing?"
"Huh?"
"What do you think you're doing?"
"Huh?"
"Stop jabbing your fingers into my head. You're giving me a headache!"
"Sorry. . . uh. . . guess I was dreaming."
"Were you asleep?"
"Well, yeah!"
"You know, honey, we're going to have to get twin beds. You're starting to sleep weird!"
"Twins?"
Yes, the kind that have about six feet separating them."
"Oh. Okay."
"What you were doing when you first woke me up felt pretty good. I thought you were awake and it was kind of nice. But then you started pushing your fingers into my mouth, and pulling on my lips. . . I probably have stretch marks!"
"Sorry. Must have been dreaming. . ."
"And then all that finger jabbing on my head. . . what was that all about?"
"Just dreaming, I guess."
"Well, you're going to have to do your dreaming in your own little, twin bed."
"Okay."
"I'm going to take a shower. It's almost time to get up anyway."
"Okay."
"You might as well get up and cook breakfast."
"Okay."
The bed was empty. Strange dream! Botox babies? Can't quite remember. . . I wondered was she serious about getting twin beds? "What do you want for breakfast?" I yelled as I passed the bathroom door.

Dimmy

Excuse me, sir, but I believe you have some kind of rodent nipping at your tu-tu !

 

That's all I know, Officer. She ran out of here screaming and headed toward the lake.

 

Provided by CBC management to the CBC Reporter who misses a chance at demeaning a member of Harper's Government. (It's a USE or be FIRED situation!)

 

"Come yout. Come yout. Come yout my prietty kietten."

 

"Neoooo, neot neowwww!"

 

I was hoping to get a job with the CBC. . . but they said I wasn't qualified.

 

I told you before Dimmy, when this bathing suit gets wet it shrinks! Nope! This is as far out as I'm going! No. . . this is it! I said NO!

 

Oh God! I knew I should never have ordered that last double Bourbon!

 

"Hi there human people. Guess what. Early this morning I was feeling a little horse. . .

 

. . . Oh! There she is now!"

 

Don't be sad, big guy. . . You can always get a job with the CBC!

 

Dimmy! If you don't get out of here with that blasted camera, so help me, I'll vote Liberal in the next election!

 

Always Shop Zellers!

 

Damn! That horse is fast!

 

Stop right there! Cat-burglar!